


Doing it Wrong

by FairyNiamh



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 02:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyNiamh/pseuds/FairyNiamh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones has been trying to find Jim all day. He should have stopped looking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doing it Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by drivvenwrinth. **Warning: This is based off of my dad's dream. He WANTED me to write this!** Yes, I am traumatized because my Dad asked me to write this. No, I am not 100% happy with it, but can any woman ever be happy with a fic that was asked for by her (once) homophobic Dad? Yes, this is his reward for opening up his mind some. I almost put psychological trauma as a tag... but my own exp. should not count.

Bones was pissed. No, scratch that; he was well beyond pissed. Jim had been due to get his physical five hours ago. Was the little shit anywhere to be found? No. Could the computer locate him? No, because of course, the good captain had managed to sweet talk the computer into hiding his whereabouts.

Now, to top off this wonderful little sundae of ‘fucked up’, Spock was also nowhere to be found, which was very out of character for him. His shift had started two hours ago and he never showed. Worried about his health, the crew alerted Bones and he was sent to find the green blooded hobgoblin.

He wasn’t a hound dog. He was a doctor, dammit. Why couldn’t security find the bastard themselves? He was still looking for Jim. Just like the Captain, the computer was no help finding Spock. Each minute that passed was another minute that he had to fume and build up his anger. If he were a pressure cooker, there would be a high chance of explosion.

He finally decided to just give up and wait in his office. When he got there, poor Christine was looking greener than Spock. He pulled out his tricorder and ran it over her.

“You won’t find what’s wrong that way Doctor,” Christine whispered. Her eyes vapid and somewhere far away.

“Okay, you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Bones asked warily. He had never seen her like this. Never.

Christina shuddered and looked like she was ready to lose her lunch. “No, but perhaps you could perform neurosurgery and take away what I saw.”

Bones frowned and shook his head at his head nurse’s antics. He was worried that she might just be having a psychotic break down. “Sweetheart, you’re not makin’ a lick of sense. Want to give me a clue about what you’re talkin’ about?”

She took deep breath before looking the doctor in the eyes and informing him; “You’re a good Doctor and a good man. The Universe needs more people like you. Now that the niceties are out of the way, let me set you straight on this subject. I have the same desire to tell you what I saw, as I have the desire to drink a cup of fresh lava. Do you understand me, doctor?”

“Perfectly, can you at least let me know _where_ you saw this scary sight?” Bones was having a hard time not rolling his eyes at his nurse’s behavior. He was a little shocked, because Christine was usually a very even headed lady.

She looked at him with haunted expression and asked; “First, do you have any whiskey to spare? I won’t drink any until I point it out, but after that, I am going to drink until I run the risk of alcohol poisoning.”

Bones growled at the nurse; before pointing her to his office, “Second drawer under the false bottom.”

Christine’s face lit up and she in turn directed him to the furthest examination room. “Doctor, I’ll have a glass ready for you,” she said so casually that it actually made Bones hesitate about going to investigate what had disturbed her so badly.

Shaking his head he squared his shoulders and marched to the examining room in question, only to be met with a locked door. “Computer, open the door, medical override: Zeta, Charlie, Nine, Two, Zero, Charlie.”

Bones rushed in as soon as the doors opened and then promptly turned around and walked out. He couldn’t have seen what he thought he had seen. It – his brain would not accept it. Not at all. There was no way straight-laced logical Spock was fucking Jim… in the fucking EAR!

Surely Jim had been fellating the goblin and startled by the noise and turned his head to look away. Of course, Spock was maybe too far into it to realize that Jim had stopped sucking him and kept thrusting; phantom felatio perhaps? Weirder things had happened. Okay, no; stranger things hadn’t happened; but Bones could try to believe in that if he wanted to, damnit!

Sure that the two would have separated, he marched right back into his nightmare and; Spock was truly skull fucking Jim. “Good God man, no wonder you keep having hearing problems! Spock, I would have thought you at least knew something of the human anatomy. Do you want to kill him?”

“Calm down Bones, we’re just trying out something new,” Jim said calmly and Spock still hadn’t stopped the insanity!

“I assure you doctor, the captain is quite safe. I always withdraw my penis before I achieve orgasm,” Spock explained with equal calm.

“This is unprofessional and not a suitable activity for sick bay. Now both of you stop this nonsense and get dressed. Then you both better get your damned asses to my office. No, scratch that; Spock you are late for your shift. Get dressed and get the hell to the bridge. Jim, you stay here. We’re going to have a nice long talk about proper and safe sexual practices. Spock once your shift is over you will come down here, so we can have the same conversation. Get dressed now, do not put your dick back in Jim’s ear and get the hell out of here. I’ll be back in here in five minutes,” Bones yelled at the duo before marching straight into his office.

He took the whiskey from Christine’s hand and poured himself a tumbler. It was going to be a long day and he was not looking forward to it.

~Fin~


End file.
